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After carefully researching human events of the past, I can precisely predict the actual events that will shape my life and the lives of the public in the the upcoming year, 2008.
January - A friend of ours will leave their current job and begin modeling on commission. (Link) *NSFL
February - Soulja Boy wins the Grammy for Best Rap Song. Barry Manilow gets angry worse than the losers and goes onstage and supermans the 17 year-old on live television.
March - Tameka bites off Usher's head, thereby completing the praying mantis ritual.
April - I see Gail in Central Park and strike her with my mighty boot.
May - I meet a guy. We fall for each other immediately. We're attached at the hip all the time. My friends and family don't see me anymore. I'm rethinking this virginal virgo thing. He makes a comment that Smoothie King "isn't all that". I break up with him through text message.
June - Beyonce opens yet another BET Awards Show. In a show of overwhelming unity, the audience throw their chairs at the performing singer in an symbolic gesture to get her to sit her ass down.
July - Omarion is caught sitting in between Bow Wow's legs getting his hair braided. A frustrated Bow Wow leaves the music industry following the leak and enters cosmetology college and subsequently invents the Bow Wow Weave™.
August - Jade will be involved in a photo scandal with Phonte of Little Brother and will be forced to hire the gang Chris Stokes uses to threaten his boys.
September - After recovering from the chair incident of early summer, Beyonce announces that she is retiring from the industry to pursue rock farming. An enraged stan population left without a relic, riot on the internet, permanently crippling YouTube and Myspace. In a last ditch effort, former Beyonce stans attempt to worship at the altar of Solange, but after realizing how ridiculous that sounds, give up on life all together. Baby Daniel moves out.
October - At a political rally, an agitated Barack Obama abruptly snaps, "Bitch, if you don't back up off me!" at Oprah Winfrey while they are onstage. An embarrassed Obama shoots to the top as a favorite in polls with white America and is a favorite to win next month's presidential election.
November - At his trial, R. Kelly shocks the courtroom by admitting that his braids are a Berber lacefront. A furious Shemar Moore sues Kelly in a class-action suit and wins his case. Kelly is rendered penniless and shunned from the industry. His sexual misconduct trial is further postponed.
December - The Equifax offices and servers are destroyed in a terrorist act. Everyone in the continental United States proceed to have the best holiday ever. I never get caught.
